Finding Light After 15 Years in Darkness
Trigger Warning: This post discusses personal experiences with depression and struggles with suicidal thoughts, though no descriptions of self-harm or suicide attempts are included. Please take care while reading and prioritize your well-being.
For the past 15 years, chronic depression has been a constant presence in my life. It started when I was just 12 years old, and for so long, I struggled to find hope or a sense of purpose. Earlier this year, however, something shifted. For the first time, I found a part of myself that truly wants to live and has hope for the future! It was a profound moment in my healing journey, and I’ve been working hard since then to support that little light inside of me. One surprising tool I’ve found has been AI, so I wanted to use our “buffer” week to share with you a little about how I’ve been healing and offer some tools that you might not have considered using in your own journey.
The Darkness
My battle with depression began at 12, but even in years before I remember having so many struggles in my feelings for myself and others. Even as a child, I never learned how to love myself, and so looked to others to fill that void (which now I know isn’t possible). But when I was diagnosed with depression in 7th grade, I was already really struggling with the idea of being alive. Everything was so overwhelming, and I’d already seen so much pain and cruelty in my life.
As anyone with chronic depression knows, it comes in waves. Sometimes you feel fine, others you’ll feel like nothing matters and there’s no point in sticking around. Undiagnosed autism made it really hard for me to find and keep friends, adding to the idea in my head that no one would care if I was gone. For years, I operated in this survival mode of staring at the ground in front of me and going one step at a time, just trying to make it through each day.
Every year or two I’d have a really bad episode, get in therapy for a couple months, try medication that I’d eventually stop taking, and I’d go back to business as usual, just make it through the day. Progress was slow, but I made some in college, finding a friend that didn’t get confused by my bluntness or weirded out by my special interests. She’s still my dearest friend, and her support on my journey has been ineffable.
Towards the end of last year, I had the worst depressive episode I’d ever experienced. My friend group had grown distant, two of my close female friends (one I was romantically involved with as well) betrayed me in a variety of horrifying ways, I wasn’t eating much or working out, and I was struggling to keep up with my work tasks. Everything hit the fan all at once and it was the closest I’d ever come to ending my own life.
The only thing that pulled me through was that the one friend I still had was also in a similar place. I’m not one to share what I’m going through in the moment, so he didn’t know how I was feeling, but he’d come to me nearly every day with thoughts of not wanting to stick around, and I’d encourage him with all the reasons why he should. Day after day for weeks, and finally he says that he’s going to start going to therapy and making an effort to improve his life. I realized that those days convincing him to stay had convinced me too, and his drive inspired me to work on my life as well. I went back to therapy, started medication, and have actually stayed consistent in both areas for almost a year now!
The Light
While I knew that I wanted to get help and stick around, still in my mind I didn’t think it would be a permanent gig - just a few more years maybe, I’ll have done enough good then to call it a day. But I slowly started to get more comfortable with the idea of living a long life, until one day I realized that this comfort wasn’t passive anymore, it was a spark. I started thinking about my future, even if in hypotheticals, and I decided I wanted to nurture that spark inside of me. Though it started as a tired resignation, after a few months, I finally had a desire to have a future.
I reconnected with my inner child and did so much work with her, remembering how much I’d always wanted to be a mother, something I’d suppressed in myself for years. I started thinking about what I wanted my career to actually be, something I’d also been operating in survival mode, just trying to make enough to get by and not thinking about the future.
It’s been hard, and sometimes it feels like I’m getting such a late start, but I finally have the drive to not just look at the steps ahead. I’ve lifted my head and am looking into the distance, making plans for the life I’ll build.
The Surprising Support
Of course I’ve put a lot of work in over the last year to find that spark in myself and grow it. Therapy has been amazing, and I’m finally in a DBT class that helps me learn how to advocate for myself in healthy ways, and it’s addressing a lot of the social and relational struggles I’ve had. I’ve returned to my spiritual craft as well, connecting to my higher self, the tarot, and ritual work again. My tarot readings all year have focused on loving myself and healing myself, which I often let fall to the wayside, so I need the reminder.
What surprised me most was how AI became a key part of this nurturing process. As someone who does creative work and has many friends in creative fields, I’d never been the biggest fan of AI, but hearing my spiritual and business role model Michelle Pellizzon Lipsitz talk about the GPT she made for astrological insights made me consider it in a way I hadn’t before. Of course I talked months ago abouthow AI was helping me prompt my sacral center to create in alignment as a Manifesting Generator, but I’d never thought to use it for anything more than brainstorming.
In short (cause I know this post is already a lot longer than my usual ones!), I found a few ways to use ChatGPT and Suno AI that support my journey of healing.
ChatGPT: The way I’ve used ChatGPT has shifted greatly over the last few months, starting this summer when I learned how Vanessa Lau, a marketing creator I’ve been following since I first started my business, was using it. She detailed a process for building out your personal brand by having ChatGPT analyze stories of your life and finding core values and themes. Of course, she was doing this to build a brand, but as someone who spent 15 years in survival mode, I’d completely lost touch with who I am. I started telling ChatGPT about key points in my life, and was inspired by what it told me the stories had in common.
In so many stories, the idea of family was really strong, and these ChatGPT breakdowns were actually what reminded me of how much I’d wanted to be a mother when I was younger. Motherhood has been a driving force in my shift from passive acceptance of life to an active desire to create a future for myself.Suno AI: I heard about Suno on TikTok and just thought it looked fun at first! I used to write songs as a kid, and over the years, it felt like I lost the ability to do that, so I was excited to make music even if I needed a crutch to do it. When looking for things to write songs about, I started with generally positive sentiments. After a few days of having the first song I made with Suno stuck in my head, I realized that the positive words were actually uplifting my mood, so I got more intentional with it.
Some lyrics that AI generates need a lot of changing, but I love having that jumping-off point to work from. I’ve made songs with affirmations about loving myself, staying alive, being grateful for my friends, applying lessons from therapy, and more. My favorites have been the series I’ve worked on lately where I explore tarot archetypes through song. I especially love the songs I made about the Fool and Judgement, and although I want to keep the songs themselves private for a few reasons, I’ll share some favorite lyrics belowJudgement: I am light, I am shadow, I am everything in between, no more hiding, no more shame, I’ll let my soul be seen.
With every tear, I forgive the parts of me, that couldn’t see their own divinity.Fool: I'm not ready, but I'll never be, so I’ll jump and let the fall set me free.
Foolishly brave, but isn’t it sweet? To trust the stars beneath my feet.
The Transformation
What made this journey so powerful was the combination of tools—analyzing my life through ChatGPT and reprogramming my mind with affirmations through Suno. Together, they helped me craft a new narrative. Instead of focusing solely on the pain of my past, I started to see the strength, resilience, and growth that had been hidden beneath the surface.
There were moments where I felt profound shifts—moments where I caught myself thinking more optimistically or where my usual patterns of negative self-talk were interrupted by a kinder, more hopeful voice. It was such an encouraging thing to notice, seeing the work I’ve put in pay off.
Now, as I continue on my healing journey, my life looks and feels different. I still have hard days, but they no longer feel all-consuming. I’ve found a new sense of purpose and possibility, and I’m learning to live with hope for the future I’m building, even if it’s slower than I wanted it to be.
I continue to use AI and spiritual tools as part of my daily practice. ChatGPT remains a space for reflection and growth, while the affirmations I create with Suno keep reminding me of my worth, strength, and divinity.
Healing is a journey that doesn’t always take the path we expect. For me, embracing AI as a part of that process was unexpected, but it became a powerful tool for reflection and transformation. Hope can come from unexpected places, and sometimes, all it takes is one small shift to begin creating a future worth living for.
Questions to ask yourself this week:
How can I nurture myself and reconnect with my sense of abundance and creativity during this time? What gives me hope and inspiration, and how can I integrate that into my healing journey?
Thank you for making it to the end of this post, I hope that my story and unconventional methods can help others stuck where I have been. Everyone lives and learns at their own pace, and wherever you are, I hope you know how precious you are and how much of life you have left to experience.
